it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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