new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
