dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
