Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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