How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
