the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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