what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
