I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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