too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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