Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
