Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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