I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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