my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Randomize
