Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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