Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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