So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize