she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
