Pants 0. Shit 1.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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