Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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