I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I party with great urgency now.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
