Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
