Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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