when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
