i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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