We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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