we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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