I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
