dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
