i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
