Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
