dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
