we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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