did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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