So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
they're like a gay fantastic four
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
