Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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