I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
