I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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