i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
