drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
