Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
