i think my tv is drunk
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
