I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
