So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
