I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize