getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
