I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Randomize
