Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
