I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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