So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
