No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
jump out the window naked night went bad
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