This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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