i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
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