Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
