I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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