i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
