there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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