omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize